I live on a main road. So needless to say, I get solicitors of all sorts. Shortly after moving in, one gentleman thought it would be appropriate to walk right up onto my porch while I was enjoying my coffee to sell me something. He walked right up to my chair, put his bag down, and went flying into his schpiel. The minute I learned how often we get door to door salesmen, I put a sign up.

CAUTION SOLICITORS! ATTACK DOGS INSIDE! RABID DOGS WITH LASER BEAM EYES! WILL SHOOT TO KILL!

I didn't want to be mean, I just wanted them to leave me alone. And it worked. I would catch some of them reading it, laughing, then walking away without even knocking on my door. Not all ignored it however. One early morning I awoke to the ear piercing sound of my doorbell. It was 2 or 3 nuns who disregarded my "do not disturb" sign in hopes of converting me. When I opened the door, and pointed to the sign, they looked at me ever so sweetly and said "but honey, we're not selling anything." UGH!

One day, I took the sign down to clean the door. I guess it was my fault that the solicitors started knocking this summer. I forgot to put it back up.

I've gotten some interesting folks at my door since. A small doe eyed child selling candy while his heavily tattooed father no older than myself stood in the distance looking quite bored. Two wonderfully awesome young Mormon boys who didn't even try to pressure me into their faith. After I told them I was an atheist, they said "o.k. that's cool." Yes they said that, and moved on.

While getting people off of my porch usually isn't too difficult, I couldn't seem to remove my most recent visitors.

Two "gentleman" about my age were going door to door trying to get our street to change cable carriers. Even before the first one could go into his script, I told him I wasn't interested. In between explaining the plan, he and his friend injected bad jokes, and horrible puns about my barking dogs. One even looked inside my house, and around the corner and commented on the size of my t.v.!

He then began asking me all sorts of technical questions about my internet, cable, blah blah blah...And of course he was offering some sort of land line plan. Their fast-talking-used-car-salesman approach to the sale made me slightly sick. When I told him I still wasn't interested, he asked me if I had a land line. I told him no, and begun to shut the door. That's when he said it.

"Well of course you don't have a land line, you can't be any older than 21." That statement came complete with a twinkle in his eye, a big toothy grin, and even a small wink!

He seemed so proud of himself and his cheap flattery. I however was not impressed. I laughed in his face. Not an "oh why thank you" giggle, a full on laugh. Apparently their training includes lessons on how to inappropriately flatter their female customers.

Well I wasn't flattered. I was getting angry. The hubby asked why didn't I just shut the door on them. Well, I guess I like to think that most people can take a hint and turn around and leave after I say "I'm not interested." Although that's really not a hint.

I figured I must comply with their demands a bit in order to get them off my porch. I explained to them that they may feel free to leave some literature with me. The hubby and I could go over it together, and contact the company during our free time.

"We don't carry any literature with us." They said."But, we can come back later, say around midnight or so to talk with the both of you."

WHAT?! SCARY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seeing the obvious terror in my eyes, they tried to laugh that awkward statement off telling me they weren't going to show up later.

I shut the door.

Later I put up a new sign explaining that any and all types of soliciting were not welcome at my home.

(It's really not cute. Perhaps I will make a new one and frame it.)

Sure enough, a week later the creep showed up back on my porch. I watched him through the window. He read the sign, then rang the doorbell. I tried to ignore it, but he must have looked in my window because I heard a "HELLO" right in my direction!

ARGH!!!

I had explained to him that unless he had any literature, I could not sign up for his plan. In fact, I had to tell him several times. After he saw that he wasn't getting anywhere with me he got desperate. He tried to guilt me into purchasing by explaining to me how hard it was going door to door in this heat. "This is how I make a living." He pleaded. HUH?

Could you imagine if I went to every one of my tables at work telling them I needed a really good tip because my job was hard, and I need to pay my rent?

Somehow I don't think that approach would work for me. And it didn't for him either.

I shut the door.